Forgiven
by candidata
Summary: She may have forgiven, but she'll never forget. Catherine struggles with her emotions after Gil leaves the lab. Grillows


Title: Forgiven - Not Forgotten

Author: Candidata

Rating: CSI 2

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI.

Dedication: To CathWillows - her amazing video Forgiven dedicated to me was the inspiration for this story!

Song: Forgiven Not Forgotten by the Corrs

Author's Note: After quite a dry spell and lack of inspiration on screen, I'm dipping my feet in the Grillows pool again - I hope you enjoy it! Also I have Lindsey being away at college, just in order for me to use her in this story;)

Summary: She may have forgiven, but she'll never forget. Catherine struggles with her emotions after Gil leaves the lab.

---

He was there again. His smiles, his laughter, his voice. She wanted to reach out and touch him to make sure he was really there, but her arms was dead-heavy and her fingers non-compliant. Her eyes met his in a plea, calling out to him to touch her instead but he just kept on talking. Frustrated she put all her strength into reaching out. She almost touched his hand when a strange sound pulled her attention away from him and their conversation. It was the sound of her cell phone. Her cell phone. It was beeping to let her know it was time to get up.

For a long second Catherine Willows was somewhere in between sleep and reality. With a long sigh she opened her eyes and reached out for her cell phone on the night stand. It had all been a dream. Like any other night since he had left. He invaded her thoughts 24/7 like an obsession. The others at the lab would never know how bad it was. To anyone looking at her, she seemed almost back to the old Catherine. She worked hard and determined, she went out for the occasional cup of coffee or brunch with the team, she small-talked, smiled and even laughed at Greg's lame attempts at new jokes.

---

_All alone, staring on_

_Watching her life go by_

_When her days are grey_

_And her nights are black_

_Different shades of mundane_

_And the one-eyed furry toy that lies upon the bed_

_Has often heard her cry_

_And heard her whisper out a name long forgiven_

_But not forgotten_

---

But on the inside she was hollow. There was no laughter, no smiles, no sunshine and next to no sleep. The few fretful hours she got every night were more exhausting than relaxing because the few minutes of his company, the tiny flicker of hope, the light in the darkness was ripped away from under her every time she woke again. But she had to move on. A fine layer of powder covered the worst of the dark circles under her eyes, and a splash of blush was a great way of avoiding too many worried glances and the questions of her well-being.

Yes, she had moved on. She had to. He was gone and she as much as she had wanted to hate him she couldn't. She loved him. Something she had realised way too late. Not that it had suddenly dawned on her after he left. She had loved him for a longer time. It had come gradually, and she had gone from loving him for being a good colleague and best friend to being in love with him - he being her soul mate and the only man she would ever consider spending the rest of her life with, even marrying, so she didn't hate him. She loved him and that was the reason why, she had eventually forgiven him. She had forgiven him for leaving the lab and for wanting a change - but she had not forgotten the pain it had caused her to see him leave - not forgotten the way her heart had broken when he ran away from them - claiming he had to see if there was still something he could mend with Sara. She had not and would never forget how much it had hurt, already knowing he and Sara would never work out because they weren't meant to be. He was meant to be with Catherine - and she would never forget that. And how could she, when she still loved him. She could never forget.

---

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're not forgotten_

---

Catherine slowly got up and walked into the bathroom. After a quick shower, she came back into the bedroom. Her head told her to get dressed and go to work but her heart told her to lay down and cry for the time and love they were wasting away every minute he wasn't there with her.

---

_A bleeding heart torn apart_

_Left on an icy grave_

_In their room where they once lay_

_Face to face_

_Nothing could get in their way_

_But now the memories of the man are haunting her days_

_And the craving never fades_

_She's still dreaming of the man long forgiven_

_But not forgotten_

---

The sound of her phone shock her back into reality. She had, without realizing it moved to the bed and now lay on what used to be his side, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. Her hand reached over and grabbed her phone, knowing it wouldn't be him, broke her heart all over again. He had not called since he left. Not once.

"Hello" the sound of her voice, sounding foreign to her, like a sob wrenched from her throat.

"Mom. It's me. Are you....mom are you crying?"

"Linds....no, I'm...I'm okay. So how are things baby?" It was hard with Linds being away at college. She felt even more alone without her baby by her side.

"Mom, I'm just calling to let you know, I'm coming home this weekend"

"Oh, Lindsey, I'm so happy to hear that" Catherine felt tears pooling in her eyes again, and silently swore at herself. This was not Lindsey problem, she remembered only too well, how Lindsey had been forced to watch her mother break down way too many times in her life, and having had to be consoled by her daughter.

"Mom, I'll be home the day after tomorrow, and I'm staying for four days. Can you take some time off?"

"Eh...Linds...I don't know, I'll try my best okay, but since you called so late...honey I'm sorry, I hope you know I'll do anything to spend time with you, I've missed you so much."

"Hey mom, it's okay. I know I'm last minute but I just wanted to make sure you were free at least Saturday and Sunday."

"I'll do my best, but I think that should work fine" Catherine said, feeling better already with the prospect of having Lindsey home for the weekend.

"Mom, sounds great - I gotta go, class in 15 minutes. Talk to you again tomorrow okay? Love you"

"Love you too Linds.." Catherine hung up the phone and felt her heart swell for the first time in a long while. Her baby was coming home. That would make at least the next three days bearable. Time in which she would be able to forget about him. Or at least pretend to forget.

---

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're not forgotten_

---

Catherine was preparing for Lindsey's weekend home. She was so excited. She had gotten Nick to cover for her on Sunday, so she had two full days off with her daughter. Nick had been only glad to help her out. It seemed like it had been months since he had seen her eyes lighting up with real happiness, when she told him about Lindsey coming home.

Coming back home after having bought all Lindsey's favorite things including tulips in purple and pink, Catherine headed upstairs to change before driving to the airport.

She was almost done when she noticed the light on her answering machine was blinking. She must have overheard it while she was in the shower. Thinking it was Lindsey calling to let her know she was already in Las Vegas, she wasn't at all prepared for the voice coming from the answering machine.

'Cath, it's me'

Involuntarily, she took a step back. The force of his voice almost like a physical blow, tears gathering at the back of her eyes.

'I just wanted to....I mean....' she thought she heard him swear softly to himself.

'I miss you. I miss your voice...." seconds went by as tears were making their way down her cheeks in small lanes. Her arms coming up to hug herself as if trying to brace herself against his words.

'I guess I'm calling to ask if you'll forgive me' Catherine felt herself sway for a second, her mind going blank.

---

_Still alone, staring on_

_Wishing her life goodbye_

_As she goes searching for the man long forgiven_

_But not forgotten_

---

The sound of his voice bringing her back into present time. Frantically, she pressed rewind, afraid she had missed even a single word.

The message replayed again and she felt herself hold back a breath when she came to last part of the message.

'Catherine, I hope you can forgive me. Forgive me for all I've done...and also...I hope you'll forgive Lindsey'

Catherine's head snapped up. Lindsey?

'Cath, I made her promise not to tell. She was just going to make sure we would have time to talk things out because I'm not leaving until you've let me back into your life'

Leaving? Catherine stood completely still for five long seconds, then she turned and ran out her bedroom, ran down the hall, almost stumbled down the stairs and raced to the front door but when she reached it she was suddenly terrified. What if she had gotten it all wrong, what if she had not gotten the message right.

Her hand trembled as she slowly reached out and grabbed the doorknob. Her breath caught in her throat as she turned it and her eyes blurred with tears as she saw him standing outside her door, cell phone in hand and his bags by his feet.

She couldn't believe her own eyes and when he reached out for her she flinched and stepped back into the house, her hands coming up to close the door again.

'No'

He stepped forward into the foyer and without speaking pulled her into his arms. He could feel her trembling, silent tears sliding down her cheeks.

'Catherine, I'm the world's biggest fool. Please say you'll forgive me. Please say you haven't forgotten...that you haven't forgot about us.'

Catherine lifted her heard, her strawberry blonde hair softly framing her face, as her eyes met his.

'No Gil...' her voice was amazingly calm

'No, I've not forgotten'

---

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're forgiven, not forgotten,_

_You're not forgotten,_

_You're not forgotten,_

_No, you're not forgotten_

_---_

_Please leave a review!_


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